New and Old Feelings

It’s been a strange couple of weeks.

I’ve managed to move forward in my healing journey while also reverting back to my old hot-mess-college-student self, simulatneously. I wonder what that says about my healing process. Thank god for the steadfast rule I’ve never broken.

Well since I moved to Boston anyway.

I made choices I regret a little (but not too much to be completely honest), and possibly had too much fun. At the same time I’ve pushed myself to be better about therapy and health. I haven’t found a huge success with it, but I’m still working through it.

Right now I’m struggling with the clash of new feelings and old feelings. Or maybe not the clash but a fear of just how similar they are.

Yesterday I met up with N, and it was different from what I had imagined, but oddly what I had hoped would happen at some point in my life.

(What? Does that even make sense?)

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I like you

Recently I told someone that I liked him.

Later he told me that it freaked him out when I said I liked him.

To be fair there was a slight miscommunication in terms of what I had meant when I said I liked him. I said I was surprised by how much I liked him, and I forgot to mention that I was surprised because we had met at a bar. I hadn’t really expected to actually enjoy his company so much.

And so initially I felt bad about jumping the gun in saying that I liked him. I felt like suddenly there was a lot of pressure for us to be something more than what we were. But all I had meant was that I enjoyed spending time with him.

But then my friend M asked me, “So what if you meant to say that you did really like him a lot. Why is that a bad thing?”

It kind of threw me off. He did bring up a good point. So what if I did really like him. Why would that be a bad thing?

My other friend B said something similar.

“Eunice, it sounds like you want to see him, talk to him, hang out with him; even if you hadn’t meant it, you’re acting like you genuinely like the guy. And shouldn’t it be a red flag for you if someone freaks out because you like him?”

Also a fair point.

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