Feeling Lost

It’s been months.

It’s been months since I’ve had the time to sit and process my experiences and thoughts. It’s been months since I felt the need to write something on my blog. It’s been months since I’ve felt so much and so little (whatever that means). It’s been months since I’ve had any insight into myself.

Today I had an hour in between brunch with a friend and a date, and I sat at Starbucks and wrote in my journal for the first time in December.

The only word I could formulate to describe how I’ve been feeling was lost.

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New Job, New Chapter

Tomorrow, I start my new job in the Office of Sexual Assault Prevention and Response at Harvard University.

I am so excited to do something I feel so passionately about. This job literally combines my love for higher education and social work, and I am so grateful to have found such a perfect job.

Of course I have my doubts and concerns. It being a new position, I don’t have as much structure as I like. I already know that I won’t have a set routine down for a couple weeks (maybe months), which isn’t ideal for my anxiety-prone personality.

Having just left a job where I did not have as much responsibility as I wanted to and where I found myself sitting around doing absolutely nothing too frequently, I am slightly worried I won’t be as challenged as I would like.

But these concerns are fleeting, because I believe with all my heart that this is going to be an amazing opportunity for me. I will be getting back to survivor advocacy and peer education, which I LOVE. This is a new position, yes, which means I can help create it into something more concrete. I will take on projects and new challenges to further myself.

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Some Truths

Some truths are truths I wish I did not know.

They are ones that eat you up inside, the moment they enter your ears. They are the ones that make you wonder.

What if?

They are the ones that make you replay every conversation, repaint every picture, and reimagine every scenario. They are the ones that force you to retreat into the past.

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Are We There Yet?

After a weekend in New York, spending two nights with three of my friends from high school( first night with J and K and second night with C), I’ve come to realize how much I’ve changed since high school. Of course there are a lot of aspects of myself that’s remained constant, but I can’t really remember the kind of person I used to be.

In college I used to joke about how I used to be a “bitch” in high school. My college friends would laugh and tell me that they believed it.

I wasn’t a bitch in high school per say…and plus now I’ve learned that I really hate the term bitch. It’s a really horrific term and degrading to women. So in other words, I wasn’t mean in high school per say, but I know I was insensitive and a lot more apathetic to other people’s lives.

Self-involved is probably a good word to describe my high school self.

I didn’t venture outside my life, my comfort zone, my understanding of the world, to truly expand my experience. I was consumed with MY homework, MY soccer practice, MY cross country race, MY boy drama, MY girl drama, MY life, ME ME ME.

Everything I did was to reach some end goal of going to a great college and to end up with a stable job; everything was purely for my own benefit and my own future. Didn’t give two shits about the girl sitting next to me in class who was maybe struggling with school work, or didn’t have friends. I only cared about my life and my best friends’ lives.

I pretended to have everything figured out by acting aloof and apathetic.

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Wealth Inequality in America

I remember I got into a huge argument with my friend after watching President Obama’s State of the Union Address in 2012, where he discussed the income inequality that prevails in our nation. I think it’s sometimes hard to explain what is “fair” to someone who is already privileged in a variety of ways. Although, the idea of “redistribution” of wealth is met with a lot fear of socialism by a lot of people (not just privileged people), people who would actually be better off if we were do move into the direction of our “ideal distribution” of wealth in America.

All I can say watching this video is that I’m terrified of the jump that the top 1% had in their income, since the 1970s. Their wealth more than tripled, while the rest of the nation suffered. What does that say for what kind of future we are headed towards?

I am not an economics major, nor can I sit here claiming that I understand how economics work in this nation. All I know is that I see this distribution of wealth, and can’t help but feel horrified. What percentage of people’s income do not even surpass their living costs? What percentage of people live paycheck to paycheck without even a dime in their savings?

I don’t know what the solution is, but I know that this is something that needs to change. We need a better understanding of how the wealth is being distributed in this country and how income is being determined.

As it looks to me, the American Dream is broken.

I post this video not with the intent of coming up with solutions or pretending to know economic policies, but with the intent of remembering. I had forgotten about the President Obama’s State of the Union Address. I had forgotten about the income inequalities. I post this video to take that step into being a citizen who cares about the state of our nation.

xx
eunice

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