Perplexed and Frustrated

I’m struggling to understand my brain.

I cried.

And I don’t know why. I am not sure why I am upset, and I am also not sure why I can’t move past the horrible feelings at the pit of my stomach.

It’s frustrating to not know why I reacted the way I did on Thursday. I wanted S to come, but midway through the night, I wanted S to be gone. I can’t seem to figure out why, which is making it impossible to understand how I feel about S, much less about “us.”

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Being Full

I wonder if I prefer being full because it helps me forget how empty I feel in all the other places of my body?

Your Wedding Day

A couple months ago, I had a nightmare.

In my dream, you proposed to your girlfriend at Walmart, with me just a couple steps away.

I woke up, heart pounding, head spinning.

No matter how much I tried to shake it off, to go back to sleep, I couldn’t get that image out of my head. The image of you on your knees, asking this other girl to spend the rest of her life with you, seared into my brain.

The only thought that circled my mind that night was: You are the one that got away.

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Let go of them, darling

Dearest,

There comes a time in your life when it’s time to say, “Enough,” and walk away. I know deep within you lies a fear of ending up alone, rising levels of anxiety each time you lose someone special to a break-up, death, neglect, or distance. That makes walking away entirely too difficult.

And I definitely want to validate that, sweetpea. It takes courage. Sometimes, it takes everything you’ve got to ignore that text, reject that call, physically walk away, and defriend/unfollow them on social media. The amount of strength you find within yourself in doing so may astound you.

Let go of them, darling.

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Feeling Lost

It’s been months.

It’s been months since I’ve had the time to sit and process my experiences and thoughts. It’s been months since I felt the need to write something on my blog. It’s been months since I’ve felt so much and so little (whatever that means). It’s been months since I’ve had any insight into myself.

Today I had an hour in between brunch with a friend and a date, and I sat at Starbucks and wrote in my journal for the first time in December.

The only word I could formulate to describe how I’ve been feeling was lost.

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New Job, New Chapter

Tomorrow, I start my new job in the Office of Sexual Assault Prevention and Response at Harvard University.

I am so excited to do something I feel so passionately about. This job literally combines my love for higher education and social work, and I am so grateful to have found such a perfect job.

Of course I have my doubts and concerns. It being a new position, I don’t have as much structure as I like. I already know that I won’t have a set routine down for a couple weeks (maybe months), which isn’t ideal for my anxiety-prone personality.

Having just left a job where I did not have as much responsibility as I wanted to and where I found myself sitting around doing absolutely nothing too frequently, I am slightly worried I won’t be as challenged as I would like.

But these concerns are fleeting, because I believe with all my heart that this is going to be an amazing opportunity for me. I will be getting back to survivor advocacy and peer education, which I LOVE. This is a new position, yes, which means I can help create it into something more concrete. I will take on projects and new challenges to further myself.

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Why Ya Wanna

.

“Why Ya Wanna” by Jana Kramer

Why ya gotta, why ya wanna make me keep wanting you.

Stay Away

Stay away from people who make you feel like you are hard to love.

-Anonymous

It’s Not There Anymore

It’s Not There Anymore

Tear me open, shred my skin;

Crack my ribs, and reach inside my hollow body.

Your hands grasp at the empty spaces,

demanding for my heart.

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Proud Mama’s Girl

I’ve always had trouble sleeping. Even as a baby, my parents told me that I was fussy and never fell asleep or stayed asleep for very long. Even as a kid, I would wake up multiple times throughout the night.

In college my sleep schedule became more erratic to the point of being unhealthy for my well being. My anxiety worsened (perhaps due to the lack of sleep, among other things) which in turn negatively impacted my sleep. It was a vicious cycle I still have yet to escape. Even after college, sleep has been eluding me. And this time it isn’t because of my social life. I lie in my bed, trying to fall asleep for hours before finally falling asleep, only to wake up every two hours.

It’s no wonder I find myself feeling like a zombie at times.

Recently, I talked to my boss about these problems.

Instead of jumping to a list of things I could do to fall asleep (turn electronics off, melatonin, sleeping pills, meditation, etc., which, let’s be real, I know about; I’ve done my research and had a therapist), she asked me, “When did you have the best sleep of your life?”

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