It’s been a while…

It’s been a while since I wrote anything on my blog. It’s been a while since I’ve journaled. It’s just been a while since I really sat down to process all the stuff that’s been happening.

I think it’s complete bullshit for me to say that I’ve been busy. I definitely could have carved out time to journal, and I chose to watch yet another episode of NCIS instead.

I don’t know what’s been keeping me. A part of me thinks that if I slowed down to really think about the happenings of the world and my life, I’d just lose it. The facade of “I’m fine,” “I’m doing okay” will completely shatter and I’ll be left with…well, the crumbling me.

Who knows. Maybe I just don’t feel like thinking.

All I know is that I’m desperately in need of some self-reflection. I can’t decide if my blog is the right venue for it – it’s just been too long since I’ve used it and I don’t even know if I want the world to see my inner most thoughts.

I just logged on…on a whim I guess.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say today except that I might be starting up my blog again.



Staying vs. Leaving

Early this morning, I woke up with a jolt. The question that whirled around my head was the following:

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to answer here…but I wanted to make sure I come back to it.  

Our Deepest Fear

I rewatched one of my favorite movies today. I had forgotten how much I loved Coach Carter when I watched it so many years ago.

I can’t stop crying. It is an amazingly beautiful movie full of fierce love, courage, and dedication. There is so much to learn from this movie; it’s on the list of movies I’d want my kids to watch.

I also love the secular version of Marianne Williams’ quote on our deepest fear:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I want to learn to live and love fiercely. I want to achieve that elusive victory within.



Losing Faith

Today is one of those days when I am having a hard time keeping faith.

I am having difficulty believing in the goodness of people and trusting my gut in interacting with people.

I don’t like to think that it is in my nature to doubt and distrust people, and I hate the idea of losing faith. I want to see the best in people, and I want to stay my idealistic self.

I feel like the work that I do doesn’t matter, and I am making zero impact.



This is it

Right now I feel like I’m standing at the precipice of something.

I feel like I’m reading the last few sentences of a book in a series, and I am filled with the anticipation of the sequel to be published in the coming months.

There are so many new beginnings in my life, I’m feeling entirely too overwhelmed.

The crazy thing is I’m also finally feeling settled. It doesn’t make any sense to feel such drastically different things at once, but it’s true.

I feel like I finally know who my real friends are, and I am truly grateful for the solid support system I’ve been lucky enough to find in my life.

Anyway, I just have this feeling that this is it.


Freaking Out

I began freaking out a couple hours after talking to J about N.

It was helpful to talk about with J…but a couple hours later my heart began racing and I started to feel even more anxiety than usual.

I called J back and tried to figure out why I was freaking out.

I blamed it on my liking N; liking someone genuinely since B2 a year and a half ago.

But after hashing it out with J, I realized it wasn’t about N at all. I was freaking out about my T session yesterday.


New and Old Feelings

It’s been a strange couple of weeks.

I’ve managed to move forward in my healing journey while also reverting back to my old hot-mess-college-student self, simulatneously. I wonder what that says about my healing process. Thank god for the steadfast rule I’ve never broken.

Well since I moved to Boston anyway.

I made choices I regret a little (but not too much to be completely honest), and possibly had too much fun. At the same time I’ve pushed myself to be better about therapy and health. I haven’t found a huge success with it, but I’m still working through it.

Right now I’m struggling with the clash of new feelings and old feelings. Or maybe not the clash but a fear of just how similar they are.

Yesterday I met up with N, and it was different from what I had imagined, but oddly what I had hoped would happen at some point in my life.

(What? Does that even make sense?)


Perplexed and Frustrated

I’m struggling to understand my brain.

I cried.

And I don’t know why. I am not sure why I am upset, and I am also not sure why I can’t move past the horrible feelings at the pit of my stomach.

It’s frustrating to not know why I reacted the way I did on Thursday. I wanted S to come, but midway through the night, I wanted S to be gone. I can’t seem to figure out why, which is making it impossible to understand how I feel about S, much less about “us.”


Being Full

I wonder if I prefer being full because it helps me forget how empty I feel in all the other places of my body?

Feeling Lost

It’s been months.

It’s been months since I’ve had the time to sit and process my experiences and thoughts. It’s been months since I felt the need to write something on my blog. It’s been months since I’ve felt so much and so little (whatever that means). It’s been months since I’ve had any insight into myself.

Today I had an hour in between brunch with a friend and a date, and I sat at Starbucks and wrote in my journal for the first time in December.

The only word I could formulate to describe how I’ve been feeling was lost.


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