New and Old Feelings

It’s been a strange couple of weeks.

I’ve managed to move forward in my healing journey while also reverting back to my old hot-mess-college-student self, simulatneously. I wonder what that says about my healing process. Thank god for the steadfast rule I’ve never broken.

Well since I moved to Boston anyway.

I made choices I regret a little (but not too much to be completely honest), and possibly had too much fun. At the same time I’ve pushed myself to be better about therapy and health. I haven’t found a huge success with it, but I’m still working through it.

Right now I’m struggling with the clash of new feelings and old feelings. Or maybe not the clash but a fear of just how similar they are.

Yesterday I met up with N, and it was different from what I had imagined, but oddly what I had hoped would happen at some point in my life.

(What? Does that even make sense?)

Before our date I felt nervous and completely nauseated. To be fair, I had come from a hard T session and a stressful day at work. Emotionally, I was exhausted and thoroughly run down; I didn’t have any strength left in me to help with the anxiety rising in my body.

N noticed how anxious I was and assured me it was a safe place. He said all the right things; in fact, it kind of freaked me out how the words that came out of his mouth had come out of mine when speaking to the friends/students I’ve advocated for and supported. I think he was being genuine, but my brain started freaking out and being suspicious, which I don’t believe is in my nature (or at least I hope not).

Perhaps it was due to the fact that I had carved out pieces of my life to bare during my T session earlier that day, but I ended up sharing much more about myself than I had planned to, which did not help with the anxiety.

I was quite certain he would run for the hills, or like most other guys, slowly back away from me, eyeing me cautiously.

He reminds me of B a lot, which is frightening. Not because I think N would be manipulative and abusive like B, but because of how strongly and intensely I felt back then. And maybe even just how much I had depended on B for support and even help in finding a place for me in the world.

I haven’t felt this nervous about someone since B2. Sigh.

I don’t like it.

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