Freaking Out

I began freaking out a couple hours after talking to J about N.

It was helpful to talk about with J…but a couple hours later my heart began racing and I started to feel even more anxiety than usual.

I called J back and tried to figure out why I was freaking out.

I blamed it on my liking N; liking someone genuinely since B2 a year and a half ago.

But after hashing it out with J, I realized it wasn’t about N at all. I was freaking out about my T session yesterday.

My T asked me about B and what happened with him. I described him as manipulative and abusive towards the end of our time together, and she asked me what I remembered. Or more specifically what I remembered him saying to me.

At first I had nothing except one phrase on my mind. “E, you’re so fuckable.” So I said, “I don’t know” to my T.

I lied to her.

For the rest of the session, his words kept flying into my brain. All those hurtful things he said that I laughed off, all those terrible things he said that I managed to suppress, even the awful thing he said I never ever admitted to anyone.

And it hasn’t stopped.

The past 36 hours have consisted of intruding memories of what he used to say and do.

I’m upset.

It’s been five fucking years. I don’t want to be upset by him.

I don’t want my future relationships to be affected by him.

I don’t want him to have any hold on my life now.

Why can’t I just get over it?

Why can’t I just forget all the things he said and did? Why can’t I forgive myself for not leaving him? Why can’t I stop beating myself over falling for such a shitty person?

I give up.

For today anyway – going to take some meds and go to bed.


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