Your Wedding Day

A couple months ago, I had a nightmare.

In my dream, you proposed to your girlfriend at Walmart, with me just a couple steps away.

I woke up, heart pounding, head spinning.

No matter how much I tried to shake it off, to go back to sleep, I couldn’t get that image out of my head. The image of you on your knees, asking this other girl to spend the rest of her life with you, seared into my brain.

The only thought that circled my mind that night was: You are the one that got away.

In all honesty, you didn’t have to try all that hard to get away. I let you slip away. I wasn’t ready. I was terrified of what you represented; I was too scared to be with you. I ran away as fast as I possibly could. At the time I convinced myself that I was better off with someone else.

I think it’s crazy how great the brain is at lying and being completely delusional when it’s trying to protect the heart.

Anyway, all I know is that morning after the nightmare, I couldn’t help but think of the lunch we had in April. I was so happy to see you. I had had such a crappy weekend; it being a shitty anniversary and all, but the idea of seeing you made it so much better. I had so much I wanted to tell you. I wanted so desperately to tell you how I truly felt. It all went to hell when you brought up your girlfriend. The courageous voice quickly crawled back into my voicebox, and I joked about my fear of good guys, as I felt my innerself pull her hair out in frustration.

It’s been long enough since that lunch. It’s been long enough since that nightmare. It’s been long enough since you and I were even a possibility. I feel like right now I’m at a point when I should stop caring.

Move on.

That’s the healthy thing to do of course.

At this point, I just hope that one day I won’t want to start sobbing whenever I think of your wedding day. I’ll don on my fabulous smile and clap for your happiness and future with your partner.

That’s the hope anyway.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to ignore the little aches whenever you like or comment on my pictures, pretend to not notice pictures of you and your girlfriend, and live on like I don’t care.

xx
e

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