Conversation I Will Never Have

“I’m sorry.”

These two words tumble out of her mouth, no preamble, no explanation, no flourish, no nothing.

He stares at her, anger behind his eyes.

“What the fuck happened? You just disappeared without a word. And that’s all you have to say?”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

She looks down at her hands.

“I deserved better than that,” he says slowly.

“I know. I’m really sorry.”

“Well,” he says aggressively. “Are you going to explain yourself?”

“I don’t think you’d understand,” she says quietly.

“Try me.”

“Okay,” she says taking a deep breath. “I don’t know if you know this, but for the last several months, I was really depressed.”

“You could have told me,” he snaps.

“No.” She looks directly into his eyes with a fierce look. “No. Stop. This is hard for me to say. No interruptions. Just listen for a couple minutes.”

He nods.

“I was depressed. Especially the last couple of months. When you’re depressed, it’s nearly impossible to ask for help. It’s not easy to talk about it, especially with someone you’ve just met. The thing about you and me was that I only knew you in my dark state. Thinking of you reminds me of how dark those days were. You remind me of sides of myself I detest and fear. It’s not your fault, nor is it mine. It all comes down to timing, and the timing of our friendship was wrong.”

She stops. She looks at him sadly as he thinks about what she’s said.

“I don’t get it,” he finally says. “You didn’t seem all that dark when we met.”

She takes another deep breath.

“It’s because on the outside, I donned on this weird persona. Looking back, I have no effing idea who that girl was, the girl you met and became friends with. It’s been really hard underneath it all. I contemplated committing myself to the hospital. My best friend was really worried for me, and we talked about hospitalization for a weekend in April. Now that I’m doing better, I don’t want to go back to the dark version of me. Just thinking about the girl I was with you gives me the chills. You’ve somehow become a trigger for me, which I know isn’t fair to you, but I have to take care of myself. I have to start going down this path of healing without being bogged down by reminders of the dark version of me. I have to move on. Can you possibly understand that?”

She looks up, gripping her hands.

“No.” He balls up his hands in frustration. “I didn’t do anything wrong. It doesn’t make any sense.”

She sighs softly.

“I’m really sorry. I truly am. I hope one day, you’ll be able to forgive me.”

She backs away three steps before turning around and walking away.

This is a conversation I will never have.


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