I don’t feel like me

It hits me on the T.

I’m irritated when someone bumps into me. I want to start chanting, “Move bitch, get out the way. Get out the way, bitch, get out the way.” I want to start shoving people. I hop out of the T in annoyance and start power walking home.

It hits me.

This isn’t me.

I hate the word “bitch.” I always say “Excuse me.” I always say “Thank you” to the T driver. I’m not this angry person. I’m not this horrible city person.

I don’t feel like me, and I haven’t felt like me in a while. I feel like I’m living life half-asleep. The world is in a fog, and I can’t seem to see past my fingers.

Nothing in my life seems normal right now. Everything feels different. Everything is different, and I don’t understand it.

I feel like I’m having trouble comprehending life. I don’t understand what’s going on. I don’t understand why people are behaving the way they are. I don’t understand why I’m feeling nothing.

I think I’m supposed to care, but I don’t. Tonight was Take Back the Night at WashU, and I should feel FOMO and excitement for everyone involved. Tomorrow is WILD at WashU and the day after is ChiO formal, and I should feel FOMO and slight jealousy. But I feel nothing. I didn’t get a job I wanted, and I should feel disappointed. But I feel nothing. I haven’t seen my roommate in a week, and I should feel sad. But I feel nothing. One of my friends has stopped talking to me, and I should be upset. But I feel nothing. I don’t know how I’m going to afford life without a job soon, and I should feel worried. But I feel nothing.

I feel absolutely nothing.

My feelings keep cycling from self-hatred to anger to nothing.

I don’t feel like me.

All I can hope is that I’ll soon feel like myself again. I’m tired of all the sad, depressing blog posts.

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xx

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