Sleepless Night

Some nights, thousands of thoughts race through my mind

Of those some nights, some nights, I can’t quiet those thoughts.

And of those some nights, some nights, I can’t make sense of the thoughts.

Last night was one of those nights.

I think writing it out will help me understand. I think it will help me process these feelings.

I had my birthday party last night. It was quite enjoyable to say the least. It was so nice seeing my friends, one of whom I hadn’t seen much of since moving to Boston. It was nice to catch up with her and talk about our friends from college. It was also really nice to see my best friend V finally meeting some of the important people in my life.

One of my good guy friends R came by with his friend. They stayed for merely five minutes before walking out. R said that he was feeling restless and that they wanted to check out another bar down the street. They promised to be back later.

They never came back.

I still had a great night with my friends, but I couldn’t help but feel upset. I came back home, and I cried.

I don’t think I fully understood why I was crying at the time.

After several hours, R texted back saying, “I’m sorry.”

I don’t know why but it made me cry even more. There was no reason, no story shared with me. I felt brushed aside.

Crying about it made me even more upset…it was such a silly thing to cry about.

I texted the only person I could think of who would be awake. I texted my friend B who is in Hong Kong. I told him that I was frustrated that I was upset about something so…stupid. I said perhaps it was my abandonment issues that made me cry so much though it seemed a bit of a stretch.

B reassured me it wasn’t stupid to cry about it. He made me feel better by saying that he cries about little things too. I definitely felt less upset with myself, but I still couldn’t sleep.

Something about how I was feeling didn’t make sense.

I still felt horrible, and I felt like I wanted to vomit. So I donned on my coat and went for a walk.

Taking a walk at five in the morning was so nice. It was quiet and so peaceful outside. I felt like no one else in the world was awake. It was so freeing, because I felt like my thoughts were allowed to be loud.

It was during the hour and a half walk that I realized that there was a lot more going on than I realized. There are other things that upset me – such as the fact that I am repulsed by the fact that I hooked up with someone I don’t find attractive just because I was feeling lonely and bored. Agh. It’s been eating at me all day, and honestly I want to puke every time I think about it.

Then there are other things bothering me which I don’t really want to delve into much.

And finally there’s R. I think it upset me that he didn’t want to hang out with my friends, that he didn’t want to take the time to get to know my best friend. I spent time with his friends, and I don’t understand why he left so abruptly. Perhaps he had a valid reason, but I just can’t help but feel rejected, like my friends, my life isn’t interesting enough for him…or he doesn’t care about me enough to take one night to get to know my friends. I imagined my birthday being this wonderful time where all the important people in my life came together. I imagined it being a cool view of how the different sides of me come together. And it felt like he rejected all the other sides of me he didn’t know.

I 100% own up to the fact that I am needy, but with R I’ve been pretty low-maintenance. I don’t call with my heart-breaks or sob stories. I don’t ask him to come over because I’m bored. I don’t ask for much; I’m very go with the flow with him. And I’ve never made a big deal about the fact that he flaked on me several times.

But this was my birthday. I genuinely don’t ask for much…but it just upset me that he didn’t give me the time of day on the night of my birthday party.

I feel like he doesn’t care about me, which sucks.

I genuinely think it was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and my being upset right now is an accumulation of a million different things. But it doesn’t take away from the fact that I was upset and that he made me cry.

Whew. I feel like I am starting to understand my thoughts.

Perhaps I can finally fall asleep now.


PS- Please excuse my atrocious writing. I’ve been up all night, and my brain can handle only so much.

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