Missing Someone

Can you really miss someone you never had?

Not to say that you can ever really possess someone, since we are all people, not objects, but seriously, can you really miss someone whom you never truly knew?

It’s strange. At work, I was in the middle of typing up a document of students coming to interview in the next couple of weeks, and I saw someone who shared the same name as the most recent guy I had feelings for, K.

Upon seeing his name, I felt a pang in my chest.

It’s so strange because I barely knew him. I went on three dates with him; perhaps we’ve spent in total of 12 hours together. But I suddenly really missed him.

I’ve already come to the conclusion that I am bad at letting go (I’m the 10mph girl), but how could I have become so attached to someone I barely knew?

To some degree I think it was because he was the first person I met in Boston that I had any interest in, and that was significant to me. Another reason might be about how we met and who he was in my life. We met at a bar, and I made the first move. He was a stranger, someone whom I would have just passed by if I hadn’t been brave that day, if my friend S hadn’t encouraged me. We had no mutual friends, no shared circles, and so my friends encouraged me to be bold and be myself because what was the harm? Our lives were so separate; things could go up in flames and would not affect the rest of my life.

“What do you have to lose?”

My friend J said that to me.

So I let a lot of my usual barriers down, and I let myself move forward with no fear, no worries.

I don’t think I necessarily miss him, but the idea of what we could have been. I don’t mean to say that we would have been in a relationship or anything. I don’t know if I would have been ready for that. But it was thrilling to get to know someone without my usual insecurities, my usual inhibitions, my usual walls.

And it’s sad to let that all go.

Or maybe I’m in denial.

Maybe I genuinely liked this guy, and I do miss the person because I thought he was really cool.

I’m not sure what it is, but every time I see his name, my stomach does a little flip and I feel kind of sick.

Can you miss someone you never really knew?

xx

e

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