10 MPH

Nearly four years ago, I “dated” B. I use that term lightly because I still can’t make sense of what we were.

Back then, one of my close friends, L, could not understand why I liked him, and he adamantly believed that B and I could not possibly work, ever. At the time, I didn’t understand what he was saying to me, but I think I sort of get it now.

L said that B was always going 80mph, while I was always going 10mph.

I thought L meant it mostly in a sexual way; as I was inexperienced and uncertain, while B was experienced and certain about what he liked and didn’t like. L said it wasn’t just sexual, just in life. I didn’t get it.

I think I finally understand what he meant by that. I am always going 10mph.

I’m the girl who walks away from the memorial for Gwangju Massacre, crying silently, unable to speak for hours; the girl who could not participate in the conversations of her best friends because her head was so caught up in the tragedy of her country she did not know about. I’m the girl who can’t listen to anything but My Heart Will Go On for three whole days after watching Titanic. I’m the girl who is still thinking about the words that were spoken years ago that she could take back. I’m the girl who’s still thinking about the topic discussed while ordering food when we are ready to leave the restaurant. I’m the girl who stops talking when conversation moves to a different topic when she is still thinking about the previous topic.

I don’t move forward quickly; I struggle with the concept of moving on. I just don’t know how to do it.

When someone enters my life, I make a place for them in my life. When I think about a topic, I make a place for them in my head. Moving on requires being okay with the empty space and being able to quickly make room for something else.

Apparently I move too darn slowly to make these changes with ease. I don’t think this is a strength by any means. If anything, I’m sure it prevents me from making healthy changes in my life, keeping up with conversation, and connecting with more than just one person at a time.

But I don’t know how to be anything other than a 10mph girl.

xx

e

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  1. Missing Someone | Simply Beautiful

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