Relationship Ready, Not

On Christmas, I talked to one of my best friends, J. 

She has recently gotten into a relationship, and I am really really happy for her. It genuinely makes me happy that she is finally in a healthy relationship with someone she cares about and someone who cares about her. It sounds like things are going well.

And it gives me hope.

J and I struggle with a lot of the same issues when it comes with relationships, and it is encouraging when I hear that J can find being in a relationship to be a source of happiness. 

I think people are surprised to hear that I don’t actually want to be in a relationship right now. I’m 22 and a girl, so I should want to be in a relationship, right?

Wrong.

I think only 25% of me really wants to be in a relationship. That 25% is the romantic, idealistic Eunice, completely ruled by emotion. It would be a lie to say that I don’t want someone to go on adventures with, do silly things with, hold hands with, talk to on the phone when I’m bored, etc. Of course I want that. 

But the 50% of me is terrified beyond belief. Completely petrified by the idea of being in an actual relationship. I’ve spent the last 22 years of my life, somehow handpicking all the guys who would treat me like shit, not want to commit, and have issues more messed up than my own. I don’t think emotionally, I am ready for a functioning relationship. I’m scared to find out that I’m not relationship material. I’m scared to find out that I’m more messed up than I already thought I was. I’m terrified to be so emotionally tied to another person. 

I don’t think it’s the commitment that freaks me out. I, very easily, adapt my life to include others. I can plan out my future with people with a blink of an eye. When I like someone, other people don’t seem attractive at all. I don’t believe it is my inability to be exclusive with someone. 

It’s something else. The intimacy? The vulnerability? Who’s to know for sure?

All I know is that I’m scared to death by the idea of being in a relationship.

The other 25% of me is the practical side of me. 

I’m still trying to figure out my place in Boston. I’m still trying to find my niche here in the city, and I don’t want to find my place, my role, my part with another person. I don’t want to find out two years down the line that everything I am in the city is tied to another person. 

I am nowhere near ready to be in a relationship, and I’m not sure what could ever help me get ready. I think my conversation with J was the first time I’ve been able to articulate my reasons…or feelings about it. 

Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

xx

e

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1 Comment

  1. Aimi

     /  December 27, 2013

    Reblogged this on Lost in The World Map.

    Reply

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