Are We There Yet?

After a weekend in New York, spending two nights with three of my friends from high school( first night with J and K and second night with C), I’ve come to realize how much I’ve changed since high school. Of course there are a lot of aspects of myself that’s remained constant, but I can’t really remember the kind of person I used to be.

In college I used to joke about how I used to be a “bitch” in high school. My college friends would laugh and tell me that they believed it.

I wasn’t a bitch in high school per say…and plus now I’ve learned that I really hate the term bitch. It’s a really horrific term and degrading to women. So in other words, I wasn’t mean in high school per say, but I know I was insensitive and a lot more apathetic to other people’s lives.

Self-involved is probably a good word to describe my high school self.

I didn’t venture outside my life, my comfort zone, my understanding of the world, to truly expand my experience. I was consumed with MY homework, MY soccer practice, MY cross country race, MY boy drama, MY girl drama, MY life, ME ME ME.

Everything I did was to reach some end goal of going to a great college and to end up with a stable job; everything was purely for my own benefit and my own future. Didn’t give two shits about the girl sitting next to me in class who was maybe struggling with school work, or didn’t have friends. I only cared about my life and my best friends’ lives.

I pretended to have everything figured out by acting aloof and apathetic.

Typical teenager, I guess.

But here I am, a 22-year old, trying to figure out her place in the world. I know I’ve learned a lot more since the days of gossiping about so and so doing so and so. I know I’ve learned to at least try to care about issues that do not affect me directly. I’ve tried to apply myself to things that benefit the community, not just myself.

And yet I feel so…not grown.

I still feel like a toddler wobbling down the path, not at all sure of what this path is, where it’s leading, what’s on the path, who’s also on this path, etc.

Back in the days of chalkboards, smelly gyms, and heavy backpacks, I thought I would have my life figured out by the time I graduated from college.  I thought I’d have my shit together.

It’s painfully hysterical how wrong I was.

My career path is sketchy at best, my love life is non-existent, and my sense of self is constantly being questioned. I feel so small, and I feel like I am doing absolutely nothing for my immediate community. I can’t figure out how I am contributing to the betterment of the world, which is devastating, because it makes me feel worthless.

Of course I think my full-time job working with prospective students and my part-time job in retail will help me reach out to other people and see how I can impact their lives, and I do believe that I will learn SO much from having to interact with so many people.

I just wish I knew…when will we get there?

 

xx

eunice

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2 Comments

  1. I was stumbling through WordPress blogs and I came across yours. I actually just posted with the same worries without even reading yours, and I have come across other blogs with similar content. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my thoughts. I’m also just waiting for my time to figure everything out. I’m working part-time as a restaurant hostess while finishing my degree and it’s helping my yearning for helping people. I just wish I didn’t feel so lost and so small.

    Reply
    • You are definitely not alone. I want to believe that feeling lost and small is part of this phase of our lives. Good luck finishing your degree! I believe that soon we will be doing great things for others. 🙂

      Reply

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