Limbo

Right now I’m stuck in a strange limbo land of uncertainty.

I feel like I’m constantly waiting for the next chapter of my life to begin. I moved to a new city, check. But I’m still waiting to hear back about my new apartment, waiting to hear back about my new job, pretty much waiting for my life to begin. It’s weird having nothing to do. I feel useless.

To be completely honest, staying at a friend’s for more than a few days feels strange and kind of horrible. Everyday, I feel like a burden and like I’m in the way. It’s a struggle not being able to come and go as I please, and I genuinely feel uncomfortable overstaying my welcome. Not that anybody overtly makes me feel so, but I can’t help but feel this way. Because I’m in someone else’s house, I feel the need to plaster a smile on my face and be polite every second of my life. I’m exhausted from not being able to be upset or unhappy.

Because of course I feel frustrated that I still don’t know if I have a place to stay starting Sunday, and my head feels awfully full from stressing out so much about the future. I know my mom said that waiting is the hardest part, but I didn’t realize I would feel this helpless and powerless.

I need to move into my own place where I have agency, and I really need to hear back from my jobs even if it is bad news. This place of limbo, of waiting, of uncertainty is torturous.

Months ago when I was trying to finish school and pass classes, I remember wishing for days of peace with nothing to do. All I can say is that the feeling is quite horrible. I feel stripped of purpose.

On the flip side, I’m sure several weeks from now when I come home drained from working, when I flop on my bed and pass out immediately, I will remember this phase of my life as a cherished time when I had the luxury to settle on a comfortable bed and really think about what I want in my life.

I will try my hardest to soak in the positives of this stage of my life journey even if I am uncomfortable, even if I am scared by the uncertainty.

xx

eunice

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