Right Decision, Complicated Emotions

Recently, I made the decision to walk away from a friendship that was causing a lot of anguish. I don’t think it was entirely due to the friendship, but there were elements of the friendship that was hard to deal with. For many reasons, he reminded me of how I felt with my emotionally abusive ex, both in wonderful ways and painful ways. I needed space because I constantly felt put down, and I felt like I was fighting for a place in his life.

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There are plenty of people who go out of their way to make sure I know I have a place in their lives, but he was not one of them. The friendship was already complicated as I realized that I liked him more than just as friends. He was confusing, as he conveyed “interested” “not interested” “want to just be friends” and “I want to avoid you” throughout the months that I knew him. The inconsistency of his actions and the way he made me feel sometimes exacerbated the unstable nature of my life of “limbo.”

If I had a job lined up, and I knew what I wanted in life, this might not have affected me so much. But as someone who feels extremely lost, this friendship was too much for me. So I walked away.

It’s been almost three weeks since we’ve seen each other or talked to each other. I really miss him. And I wish he knew.

I’m not sure what the proper protocol is, since I’m the one who walked away from the friendship. I want to send him a funny picture I saw the other day. I want to ask him about his life. But I feel like I can’t. Even though we’ve only known each other for several months, in my mind, he has been a special friend. And we’ve had some great moments together. There are still so many things I want to share with him because I know it’d make him laugh.

Walking away from a friend is always hard. You lose a piece of your life, a piece of yourself that you cannot get back. Even if the decision was the right one, it doesn’t take away from the loss. I didn’t know this “space” was going to be so difficult, and I definitely didn’t think I’d feel so sad.

xx

eunice

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1 Comment

  1. You did the right thing. A friendship, or a relationship, will have its ups and downs but it shouldn’t be hard, and it shouldn’t make you want to cry all the time. AND IN A MONTH YOU WILL BE WITH ME IN BOSTON. SO CHECK YOUR E-MAIL AND FB MESSAGES…I sent about a gazillion.

    Reply

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