My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear in life is never falling in love.

I’m terrified that I will never feel that kind of intense love for someone, and I am just as scared that I will never be loved in that way. I wish I knew what it felt like. B once told me he knew he loved his ex-girlfriend because he was happy when his girlfriend was happy and he was upset when she was upset. He said it was quite simple.

I really want to feel it. I do.

…but

A small part of me cowers at the thought of love, the loss of control, the dependence on someone. It reminds me too much of the days when I was emotionally manipulated and abused to the point of no return. To the point where I defied my very own principles.

I’ve learned a lot in the last three years, and I am definitely standing on a much more solid ground than before, but I can’t help but wonder about the extent of pain you feel when loving someone. I’ve always cherished the quote, “Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to.”

That trust has become harder and harder to give. Because what if they break your heart? Because everybody I’ve felt close to has always ended up hurting me.

My experiences have not always been pleasant, but it worries me that my past heartbreaks serve as reasons why I hesitate, why I stall, why I run away, and why I don’t give love a chance.

Maybe that’s why I always choose the wrong guy.

As Tim Burton so eloquently put it:

I feel like the Voodoo Girl.

xx

eunice

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1 Comment

  1. V. Lee

     /  June 29, 2013

    “The loss of control” yesyesyes.

    Reply

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