She stood…

She stood still, smiling softly, singing sweet songs, slowly sinking.

Staying vs. Leaving

Early this morning, I woke up with a jolt. The question that whirled around my head was the following:

 
I’m not really sure what I’m trying to answer here…but I wanted to make sure I come back to it.  

Our Deepest Fear

I rewatched one of my favorite movies today. I had forgotten how much I loved Coach Carter when I watched it so many years ago.

I can’t stop crying. It is an amazingly beautiful movie full of fierce love, courage, and dedication. There is so much to learn from this movie; it’s on the list of movies I’d want my kids to watch.

I also love the secular version of Marianne Williams’ quote on our deepest fear:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I want to learn to live and love fiercely. I want to achieve that elusive victory within.

x

e

Glass

Glass

I stand still looking at the floor.
My eyes glued to the tiny shards of glass;
pieces that used to make up my cup;
fragments now splayed across the room.

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Losing Faith

Today is one of those days when I am having a hard time keeping faith.

I am having difficulty believing in the goodness of people and trusting my gut in interacting with people.

I don’t like to think that it is in my nature to doubt and distrust people, and I hate the idea of losing faith. I want to see the best in people, and I want to stay my idealistic self.

I feel like the work that I do doesn’t matter, and I am making zero impact.

xx

e

This is it

Right now I feel like I’m standing at the precipice of something.

I feel like I’m reading the last few sentences of a book in a series, and I am filled with the anticipation of the sequel to be published in the coming months.

There are so many new beginnings in my life, I’m feeling entirely too overwhelmed.

The crazy thing is I’m also finally feeling settled. It doesn’t make any sense to feel such drastically different things at once, but it’s true.

I feel like I finally know who my real friends are, and I am truly grateful for the solid support system I’ve been lucky enough to find in my life.

Anyway, I just have this feeling that this is it.

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Freaking Out

I began freaking out a couple hours after talking to J about N.

It was helpful to talk about with J…but a couple hours later my heart began racing and I started to feel even more anxiety than usual.

I called J back and tried to figure out why I was freaking out.

I blamed it on my liking N; liking someone genuinely since B2 a year and a half ago.

But after hashing it out with J, I realized it wasn’t about N at all. I was freaking out about my T session yesterday.

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New and Old Feelings

It’s been a strange couple of weeks.

I’ve managed to move forward in my healing journey while also reverting back to my old hot-mess-college-student self, simulatneously. I wonder what that says about my healing process. Thank god for the steadfast rule I’ve never broken.

Well since I moved to Boston anyway.

I made choices I regret a little (but not too much to be completely honest), and possibly had too much fun. At the same time I’ve pushed myself to be better about therapy and health. I haven’t found a huge success with it, but I’m still working through it.

Right now I’m struggling with the clash of new feelings and old feelings. Or maybe not the clash but a fear of just how similar they are.

Yesterday I met up with N, and it was different from what I had imagined, but oddly what I had hoped would happen at some point in my life.

(What? Does that even make sense?)

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Thinking Out Loud + I’m Not The Only One

This mash-up of “Thinking Out Loud” and “I’m Not the Only One” is just jaw-dropping.

I am completely blown away by the beauty of this performance.

Hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.

xx
e

Perplexed and Frustrated

I’m struggling to understand my brain.

I cried.

And I don’t know why. I am not sure why I am upset, and I am also not sure why I can’t move past the horrible feelings at the pit of my stomach.

It’s frustrating to not know why I reacted the way I did on Thursday. I wanted S to come, but midway through the night, I wanted S to be gone. I can’t seem to figure out why, which is making it impossible to understand how I feel about S, much less about “us.”

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